Acquired or Not?

When is a victim considered as acquired by a manipulator?

There isn’t one single moment or one single sign.  Each manipulator has his own way of operating and each relationship is different.  For some, it’s when he feels the other has fallen in love with him.  Sometimes it’s when the couple moves in together, gets engaged, gets married, has a child together, opens a company together (because not all abusive relationships involve romantic relationships).  Any action or deed that creates a tie that is permanent or not easily undone can be the moment when everything in the relationship changes.

Whereas up until that point, everything seemed perfect - the future persecutor had been charming, attentive, “as he should be” – suddenly cracks start to show in his behaviour.  He criticises you for little things, becomes angry over situations that he accepted graciously before, demeans you in front of others, makes snide comments about you or things relating to you…

You are shocked!  Where is this behaviour coming from?  He must be tired, you think.  He’s had a long week at work.  He’s stressed.  Or maybe he’s right, you misunderstood what he meant, or you’re too sensitive, or he only wanted to be helpful by pointing out your error or weakness.

You forget about it and the relationship goes on.  We all have bad moments from time to time after all.  We can all have a bad day.  Usually he’s so kind and loving.  No relationship is perfect and you can’t just run away from a relationship at the first signs of trouble. Imperfection is part of life.  And leaving now isn’t so easy.  You’ve invested a lot in this relationship :  your time, your money, your heart…

And so you stay.  What you don’t know yet is that this time it’s different.  You just went through your first test and you passed with flying colours. Unfortunately for you.  He knows you’re acquired and his game can continue.     

Bit by bit, he will test your limits to see just how far he can go and just how much you will accept.  Each time he will go a bit farther.

Bit by bit, the mask will fall.  The manipulator will reveal his true self.