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What Lies Beneath: Fearful avoidance at the Core of Insecure Attachment Styles

In my clinical work as a therapist and in my research, I’ve noticed something striking: while most people with insecure attachment can identify with one predominant style—be it anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant—there seems to be a common thread running beneath them all.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is one of the four main attachment styles in attachment theory. It is the only one of the four that is considered “secure,” while the others—anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant—fall into the category of insecure attachment.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment, also known as avoidant attachment, is another type of insecure attachment style. Like anxious-ambivalent attachment, it often results from childhood experiences where emotional needs were not consistently met. However, unlike anxious-ambivalent attachment, individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style have learned to suppress their emotional needs and maintain distance in their relationships.

Along with disorganised attachement, anxious-ambivalent is another type of insecure attachement style. Insecure attachment usually results from inconsistent parenting during a child’s formative years. At times, the child’s caregivers may have been supportive and attentive to him or her and at other times, they may not have been attuned to their child.

Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganised t attachment, is one of the four main attachment styles in attachment theory. It is one of the 3 types of insecure attachment, the others being anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant. The fourth style is secure.

Attachment theory, first proposed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explores the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. It specifically examines how infants and young children form emotional bonds with their primary caregivers and how these early relationships impact their behaviour and development.

A few ways abusive partners seek to control and isolate their victims

I'm sharing an interview I was asked to do (in French) on the topic of toxic relationships. The interview is presented by Mova Mind, a french-language podcast about mental health.

What criteria should you use to choose the right therapist for you? 

Emotional abuse can take many forms and the effects can be devasting. Often it takes the victim some time before realising that what they are living is actually abuse because this kind of abuse is insidious. It flies under the radar and many victims as well as perpetrators find excuses for it.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, it is believed that different emotions are stored in different organs of the body, based on their vibrational frequency.  For example, anger is often stored in the liver while fear is stored in the kidneys. Thus, an overabundance of anger may weaken the liver and inversely a weakened liver may bring about feelings of anger. 

Science has also recently proven that emotional patterns can be passed on from generation to generation.  Studies done on survivors of the Holocaust as well as their descendants have shown that the trauma suffered by those in the concentration camps is passed down through DNA.  Emotions are being stored on a cellular level!

We are hearing more and more about essential oils.  But they are hardly new to the world of well-being.  In fact, they were widely used in ancient Egypt!

Many of us know that lavender essential oil has a calming effect on the nervous system.  And many may also be aware that peppermint is very helpful with headaches and even migrains. 

But did you know that lavender essential oil also helps improve and unblock stuck communication as well as deep seated feelings of abandonment? 

Despite what one may think, the manipulator is in fact someone who is very dependent on others.  If he hasn’t made the decision to leave you, he will not want you to leave him.  He still needs you.  On top of it, if you were to leave him, he’s the one who is left, abandoned and that’s not very good for his image!

What happens once the victim is acquired ?

Often it’s the next step, devaluation, that sets in.  Whereas before he put you on a pedestal, bit by bit, he chips away at that to not only bring you back down to earth, but even lower.

The last phase in a relationship with a manipulator is rejection.  We’ve already seen how once the manipulator has spent the necessary time seducing in order to acquire you, he will then go into devaluation phase, his goal being to destroy you morally, psychologically, and even physically. 

Once these phases are completed, rejection is next on the list.

When is a victim considered as acquired by a manipulator?

There isn’t one single moment or one single sign.  Each manipulator has his own way of operating and each relationship is different.  For some, it’s when he feels the other has fallen in love with him.  Sometimes it’s when the couple moves in together, gets engaged, gets married, has a child together, opens a company together (because not all abusive relationships involve romantic relationships).  Any action or deed that creates a tie that is permanent or not easily undone can be the moment when everything in the relationship changes.

You only just met him and he’s charming, attentive, thoughtful.  He asks you questions, listens with a patience you’ve never known.  You have so much in common.  You love long walks along the beach?  He does too!   You dream of working for yourself?  He just quit his (very good) job to do the same.  You need to find a new apartment?  He’ll help you do it or knows someone who will.  Your first date goes so well that you definitely want to see him again.

We here it everyone these days: manipulator! It’s as if these people who have such ease with manipulating others have newly come into existence.

That’s not the case.  Manipulation is nothing new and neither are those who use it.  It has always existed although it does seem to be more and more prevalent in today’s society. 

How can you avoid falling into the manipulator’s traps?

 I was once asked, "How can I destroy the narcissist in my life?"

My answer?  There is no need and doing so would only make you like the person you want to destroy.